You can't trust a nice guy

Every couple of months this premise pops up on Twitter. The idea that you can't trust a nice guy, because they're obviously hiding something. No one is actually nice!

Apparently, if you can't see that the nice guy is lying to you, you're a bit of a rube:

Kitze @thekitze

there are a few ppl here labeled as "the nicest guy" and idk how ppl can't see through them 🤣 like it's so obvious it's funny

Or even more insidious, the nicest guys have the most darkness to hide:

Sam Lambert @isamlambert

the unbroken rule from history is that the people who make being nice their personality have the most darkness to hide

Huh? When did we get so cynical that we swung all the way back to believing the nicest people must have the darkest secrets?

Tom Hanks would like a word. So would the late Mister Rogers!

Sure, there are people who use a facade of niceness to manipulate others. I'm not denying that. But the reflex to assume that every kind, gentle person must be hiding something sinister? That's not a reasonable response to a few bad actors. That's just a broken form of self-protection, or projection.

And here's where things get tricky: sometimes what people label as "niceness" is actually just genuine kindness. It's not a performance, it's not manipulation. Sometimes what looks like "performative niceness" is just someone earnestly trying to live out their beliefs. But the cynicism kicks in and kindness gets confused with image management.

I'm not trying to be nice

And honestly, in some ways, "niceness" is a kind of facade! I'm not interested in being nice. I care deeply about being kind. And those are fundamentally different things.

Being nice is surface-level. It's about being agreeable, pleasant, inoffensive.

Being kind is something else entirely. Kindness is much deeper. It's rooted in love and concern for the wellbeing of others. Kindness means telling the truth, even if it's hard. It means doing the right thing, but with careful consideration of those around you.

Boz, the CTO of Meta, has a great article about almost being fired from Facebook because no one could stand working with him. In it, he describes kindness like this:

Being kind isn't the same as being nice. It isn't about superficial praise. It doesn't mean dulling your opinions. And it shouldn't diminish the passion with which you present them.

Being kind is fundamentally about taking responsibility for your impact on the people around you. It requires you be mindful of their feelings and considerate of the way your presence affects them.

I've been praised for being nice, but I've also been accused of being nice so that I can be mean and get away with it:

That's why I'm hesitant to even own the label of "nice." People have said that about me, and I understand why. But when someone calls me nice, I hope what they're actually seeing is kindness. Not a curated image, but a real desire to do good by others.

There's a real difference between someone who wants to be nice and someone who wants to be kind.

• Nice wants to be liked
• Kind wants to love others
• Nice avoids conflict
• Kind speaks the truth (with care!)
• Nice is about appearances
• Kind is about impact

And here's the hardest part: even when I am being kind, I'm still falling short. My kindness isn't always pure or consistent. It's not some inner virtue I've mastered. It's something I'm working on, every single day.

My dark secret

Here's the dark secret I've been hiding, the thing you're all going to figure out eventually: I am a wretched, broken, and lowly sinner, redeemed by grace and working out my salvation with fear and trembling.

You were gonna figure it out eventually!

I'm going to let you down. I'll say things that are unkind. I'll hold grudges against people that wronged me or someone I love. My priorities will be misaligned. I'll be thoughtless when I should be thoughtful, careless when I should be careful. I'll be cold when I should be welcoming.

Do not be surprised when this happens. This is the default. Any kindness, any justice, any mercy that you see in me is Christ in me, conforming me to his image.

All the bad stuff? Well, that's 100% Aaron.

Not every act of kindness is hiding something. Not every nice person is a wolf in sheep's clothing. Sometimes, kindness really is what it looks like: a quiet act of goodness in a world that's grown too cynical to trust it.

In a world that demands hardness, sometimes choosing gentleness is the most radical thing you can do. Be shrewd, yes, but don't be hard-hearted. Not everyone is pretending. Some people are actually trying, even if they fail.